Friday, July 4
Late Posts of 2011
7/4/2011 – one of the LG
Even as you were seated opposite, eating your noodles
silently, I knew you are with me.
Somehow you know how insecure I could be in front of all the
unfamiliar faces and kept yourself near.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much I have or how much I do
not have, and with you this world seems to have a lot more than it can contain.
That I am willing to take it and accept this daunting task of simply being
together. I do not know why I am so scared, maybe scared of losing everything
thus I rather not take it and own it in the first place.
I want to walk beside you and stay at your side. Everything
else seems to be more okay when you are at my side. That even many times you
didn’t’ see me smiling or being happy, I smiling in my heart that at least I
have you in this world.
And I think I am so scared of losing it all. Of the quiet,
the peace, feeling all safe hiding next to you.. I dunno if I have been
depending on you or leaning too much that you cant breathe
To flo: I really pray that if there is ever a guy that comes
your way, you can take up the courage to accept and love him back.. or anyone
else that you meet.
I know this seems far fetched but I see it coming. I think
it is not about not being ready for the relationship, or the timing or the
person but whether you are able to accept yourself that you can accept to be
loved by a person unconditionally and by other people and God as well.
It takes strength to love, it takes courage to be loved. And
I believe the latter is harder..
And that would take a lot of
time as well and I am sure God would prepare your heart for it if anyone should
come your way.
On the movie: letters to God.
12/4/11 – you are at
work and your unseen work
As much for the amount of things we see in our surroundings,
they are already there. Just waiting for us to discover. Ever wonder how the
flowers, the grasses or the buildings come about? It might seem that they are
built by man themselves, but all that they are, they exist even before we can
imagine their existence. Just like the human dna, brain mysterious function,
they exist for millions of years and we have not discovered them only. I could not understand why an unseen God
could create such magnificent objects, only to let us have a better life, to
make us happy. And somehow this reality does not comes in that tactly.
And like in our inner being, day by day he is at work.. but
because it is all hidden and unseen, how do we know it is Him? And I did not
know how much I have been changed only when, during the chistling process, it
feels painful. Thereafter, we leave it and get on with our life, without
knowing when it is changed or not. Or does it matter we change?
And if the war we are fighting
day by day is unseen, and only you can fight us fight it? Then what should we
do about it? In my inner being, I serve to detach, to distance, to disagree the
selves that I could not dare to accept. I always thought by running away, you
can stay away from it and it will not surface. I am wrong. Just like” when I
want to do good, evil is right there with me” .
No matter how I push it aside,
it is still there. I show it through how I treat this world, this life and the
people around me and making me so miserable. I do not dare to recognize it.
Don’t belittle little things.
Even the tiniest things that you are doing, that you think you have not made
any impact..
On side note on my work: I
always thought what else can I do? And it always turn out that I only able to
do the most simple of things and I could not be given more complicated stuff. I
do not see the need to be productive, to be good anymore.
In soberness – 25 apr 11
As I was thinking about the future, about my work and
studies, family and starting a new future with him, I wonder how much is
enough. It is a overwhelming sense of having to juggle everything together.
As I look past at peoples’
lives, our parents lives, through a lens of a child, I marvelled at how they
manage it all. Maybe they went through a long way, in learning
26 apr 11 – to carry on
My colleague henry once told me that when you are really
tired, just continue doing and don’t think about it. When I stopped to take a
puff or do something to take the load off my mind, it might get more tired.
Many commitments like I have to be there mostly for my
family and friends, I always feel that I have to be there or rather I also want
to be there for them too. Ever since my mum left her absence in the family, my
father has been alone all by himself. I could not bear to see him being alone
while on and off my brother and I have to juggle things. I simply could not
fork out enough to give to the people I love, laying in the bed, finding a last
tinch of energy to carry on the another
day.
It wasn’t that tough after all, picking up calls and
settling tasks after tasks. Each calls, each request, you agreed to let the
responsibility to lay on your shoulders. At the end of the day, your shoulders
will be aching with those request. The after effect of fatigue stays in your
heart.
The hardest of all, is to hold yourself up everyday to continue again,
rising up every again when there is a need to, to keep up with the daily work.
What could it entails for my
future work?
3 may 2011
Dear me,
I am to tired to remember where my heart is. Who I am
inside.
My colleague is going to shopping centre, I get excited for
a while, the smile fell. I am tired.
I have forgotten what is having fun in the midst of work.
I have forgotten days where you can stare at blank for a
long long time and not be worried what is coming on heels behind you.
I have forgotten how to look deeper, wider in things around
me.
These days, I get unhappy easily. And you asked me, “ what
are you unhappy about?” “ what are the things that make your heart sad’. I do
not know. It just seem that you could never have full control of your heart no
matter how you try. It just ran away. The only way is to talk to it and
understand it more.
Sadness is like the sea.
When you’re drowning in it, the more you struggle,
and the more you try not to
let it touch you, the deeper you sink.
It’s only when you embrace it and let
yourself be surrounded by it -
that you can start to swim out of it.
Today, I’m swimming. And
I’m not stopping until I find land
Everyone daydreams. But what’s in a
daydream? It’s a little bit of care-free imagination mixed with real life
experiences- and topped off with a pinch of idealism. Sometimes the most
interesting and meaningful moments we have are the everyday happenings that are
easily forgettable. In the end, these moments are the true treasures that we
cherish. – www.fishie.tumblr.com
Tumblr is for lazy people who like me , who cant find the
right words to say and who cant have enough to think (:
On a side note:
I still love him a lot. Though we swimming in our fulfilling
our everyday demands, we still notice and want to notice each other presence.
As I swing by, you scooped me out of my bed. I know you want
to hug me as much as I want to, but you cant cos you are too tired.. jia you
dear..
9 may 11 Monday – there is something real raw about it
Even more so, after I am exposed an array of personalities
in working place and people moving in and out of my life every week and out, I
find it hard to adjust them, what they need and what they want. It is really
not easy.
Having to get along and work along side.. it was hard because it was
going against what has made me. I hope I can change that. So much reluctance
and pride that works against what I will.
Because if it continues, it is hard for me to go along and
learn to appreciate the crowd, the world, the society as it is.
Seeing the working world shed light towards how much I have
not understood people and how they act. Sometimes I know they did not do things
on purpose and sometimes I could not see pass the flaws, the imperfections.
While as much hype, excitement were stirred during this
General Elections, news and viewpoints of how each view the issues were
scattered over the social media. As much as how they might being stirred up to
dislike the ruling party, or the ruling party might have done that were not so
pleasant in the eyes of man, we could have made these mistakes if we are in
their positions.
I believe they did the best they can and a lot of things could
have slipped through. Grounds not covered well. I did not blame them but
overall, they brought Singapore this far.
I appreciate what they have done seriously for us, for bringing us for
articulate and intellectual enough to voice out, well-fed enough not to worry
for the basic needs.
And I love and respect them for it.
We have forgotten how they are as human as we are. Have we
demanded too much when if we are there, would we able to do it as well? Are we
asking for the perfect scenario when the best could have been given to us?
At the same time, how opposition won the hearts of people when
they were down at the ground at work, with the people. They didn’t show that
they are sitting waiting for people but went down to look for their hearts, to
identify with them.
One of strong points that put them close of the supporters
hearts is that they make us feel that they are just ordinary humans like we do,
going through the bread and butter. They are no different than us thus they
understand. And somehow it seems that they are like friends at the moment,
shoulder by shoulder instead of leaders high up.
Through
listening to their speeches, some blew my minds wild because it does show a lot
about who they are as a person. Some speak with their hearts, some cover with
tainted words. it was hard to speak out of your true self when we are scared that
people would notice our insufficiency and insecurity as we bring out ourselves
in speech. subconsciously we always feel that others might judge thus we did
not speak much. We like to sound strong, powerful, confident to look
good and people would agree and reasonate with how we feel about ourselves.
I might sound overbearing, demanding but never am I meant to
be like that. I also struggle to maintain the clarity and responsive to my
environment, ready to give to whoever that needs it.
A lot of times, I am clouded by overwhelming emotions and
thoughts that I could not think straight and understand the situation I am
facing. It is hard for me to remain on the ground, to be clear and sound
minded.
I gave people the impression that I am deep and
somehow I also make them feel that I am out
Many people
have lived this life without coming close to realizing what is really inside of
them. What lies within their heart and what really matters to them most. They
might have spent half of their live denying that people really love them or
they might not have loved the others too.
Just this
day, my grandma passed away. She seemed such an ordinary people though I knew I
care enough for her to do extra and she meant special in my heart, what I never
know is she matters this much. I still love her. Only when I look back, then I
realized where it all came from.
“ life is
lived forward, but understood backwards”
Because
fearing how the others might react to your love towards them, we choose to shun
from showing even the slightest tint of love and care like..no it’s nothing
much and pretend it did not matter at all” Because you are so afraid someone
will not take your love, take it and handle with care and lock it up with their
hearts.
That’s when
we lock everything inside. What stays inside might eventually die when no one
knows.
Or when we
show it, others couldn’t understand and really grasp it and fully consume your
love. We rather keep it within ourselves, don’t’ we?
I really
pray one day, I can understand what it all means to me, the people, events
things and the past. I pray I can understand how much I love them and one day I
can tell them with all my heart, how much I love them back too.
I love you
so much daddy. Though I could not break through the stone wall you have built
around you for so many years.
I love you
so much, mama that it hurts me so much that I stop crying.
“Hell is a
world gone mad where we do not understand our neighbours; where politicians can
declare crusades and holy wars against an idea…
“The way
out of hell is love.
Love is the recognition of the Other; the acknowledgement
that the person before us is a fellow human being whose life is an abundant
store of emotions, feelings, memories of hope and loss, tears, smiles,
laughter. Love is the prerequisite of communication, even when that
communication is difficult and one is not always understood.
But love
dictates that we need to understand, or at least make the effort to understand;
and not to demonise, to scapegoat, to sully, to abuse. L
ove is the thing
that stops the finger as it presses on the trigger; it is the thing that stills
the hand before it reaches for the knife.”
– “Qu’ran and Cricket” Written
by Dr Farish A. Noor in 2007.
Days like
that – 18 May 2011
When there are days
like that,
I treasure them even
more as they did not come frequent.
When I can
steer clear of the cloudiness, clear headed
When I can
hold self restrain and focus back to the real world
When I can
walk forward with a smile
When I walk
up in the morning that I have never been this
When I can
taste and appreciate the single bite size pieces
Like the
long nights outside or inside, having dinner and musing
Or being
part of a activity or event
Take heart and keep
taking heart, that it will be alright
You would
always make a way out of the mountains and the seas. – 19 May 2011
As I flip in
my bed, two big parts of my life swam to and fro in my mind. Both that I
totally have no control over that left me trembling in the middle of the night.
One of them
is a newly given portfoilo called my work that I am fighting to stay on for as
long. Even one more day is better than anything.. and to sustain it, I have to
have enough of my second part of my life which is my life.
I am getting
disorganized in putting back things in their own places or rather there are so
many new things where I do not know where to slot them. They are left there,
untouched. A lot of things.
More often, i am carried by the wave of things that I did not
see where I am heading. I did not have the strength to put a stop to things,
barely able to see ahead sometimes.
“it is not that bad after all”
15/8/11
Every time I come
into the church,
It was as if people might see how sinful I am cos there are
simply so much unresolved guilt, shame that surrounds how I live my life at
home, work and for my relationships.. or as if they could see what has happened
in my life.. that is why I feel so vulnerable.
I simply feel that I suck..
In work, I always carry or learn that I am not good becos of
what I feel others have looked at with because of my incompetency.
Every tint of mistake, I took it and adding on the mount of
inability of a person.
I feel unappreciated as if no one has really taken look at
me when everyone just go for lunch and left me to man the counter. Or no one
has ever cared because they do not know what to do.
I couldn’t get rid of these thousands of feelings thus the
antidocte is to block it, hid it very very deeply that I no longer feel, so I
can lead my life normally.
My shield to things that I am uncomfortable or feeling
vulnerable is to be defensive..
All these suck.. I do not think I deserve anything in this
world or to live. I always am living under these gloomy feelings and shady
circumstances..
5/9
I really don’t like doing things or following through things
without a reason.. Or maybe sometimes I might try to do it but after a while I
get lost in it. Why do I need to do this this this and this?
Somehow understanding how it will really affect.How it really
affects will give me a reason, a tiny motivation to continue doing it.. and not
keep doing as if it is going to last for an eternity.
Well, it depicts my work and hovering around major part of
my life. It was hard following through, and day by day I questioned what value
has what I have done in and out except to earn the minute sum to survive.
It probably feels unfair that we
should forgive someone who hurt us - someone oblivious to the pain they have
caused or worse, indifferent to it - without them having to pay for it in some
way, without them knowing just how deep their scars cut.
Maybe it is.
But it’s even more unfair to
ourselves to not let go, because the wounds created by the
bitterness we allow to keep weighing down on us are ones we give ourselves.
Let go.
People generally see what they
look for, and hear what they listen for."
Blursze pens down her thoughts at 7/04/2014 12:01:00 PM
