Friday, July 4
Post by Crystal Part 3
Do I push too
hard?
Or fall too fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know
Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in
Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?
You know what I was thinking about on the night I turned 21? I was thinking
that I was three months closer to the day I would return 'home' to Malaysia -
the day I'd been anticipating and looking forward to every single day for the
first five months since I first got here.
And instead of bubbling over with excitement that the day I'd been dreaming of
and longing for was almost within reach, I started feeling a sense of dread.
Because for the first it hit me that even though I might be going 'home' to
where I came from, it's not going to be home by the time I return. I can't just
barge back into KL and expect to pick up my life where I've left off. People
will have changed; some have left to other parts of the world already; but most
of all, I will have changed.
It suddenly hit me that going home will be adjusting back to a new life all
over again like I did when I came here. And while adventure and change is
always good, it still means leaving someone(s) behind, which is never easy.
I spent the past 4-5 months here trying to hold on to the someone(s) I left
behind in KL, trying to bring them into my world here. And for some people,
maybe, that does work. Maybe e-mails and Skype chats are enough for some. But
it's not enough for me to whinge about the weather to someone who has never
been anywhere colder than 20 degrees.
I spent most of my free time here in isolation but mostly because I didn't
bother making the effort to get out and get to know people, and now that I have
started to, I actually feel normal again having friends I can talk
to and see in 3D and live audio, not through a flat screen and tinny laptop
speakers. I feel normal, and it feels good to be normal.
Still, trying to bring Malaysia into my world here is like trying to talk about
the tropics to people who have only ever grown up in four season countries and
wear thin hoodies in the dead of winter while I'm all bundled up in like four
layers. It doesn't work when I keep my Malaysian accent around friends here -
I'd just sound like a total weirdo; and the other way around - I'd sound like a
snobby wannabe.
I finally understand why people lose touch with friends when they move away - a
dear friend, who's in Canada at the moment, said to me when she was back in
Malaysia for a break... that when she was there, Malaysia felt like a dream,
and in Malaysia, here time there felt like a dream. I finally understand
what she meant. Took me a little long - five months to be precise - of fighting
and trying to ignore the fact that the two worlds I lived in, the two worlds I
now call 'home' - were so completely different that I couldn't expect to
reconcile them just like that.
I'm tired of trying. Explaining a foreign culture is one thing; trying to bring
it into the day-to-day life of another culture is another thing. I'm tired of
living between both worlds; I want to actually feel normal - to have my
emotions and time invested in the world I am actually physically in instead of
being a million miles away in my head in someplace I can't be in in person for
another three months.
I spent so long back in KL learning to live in the present and not for some
distant event in the future - and it felt like that ability slipped way when I
got here, and lately, it's starting to feel like it's coming back. And it
feels pretty good actually, to live arms wide, expectation-free, ready to go
wherever life takes me.
You know what else I was thinking?
That exactly what I dreaded would happen before coming here has happened.
I've changed. I don't think I want the same things as I did anymore before I
left. I mean, I knew I would change, but I thought I'd find myself wanting different things.
But at 21, I found myself feeling the very same thing I felt at 18 - trapped
and stifled and not knowing who I am, and not wanting to find my
identity in a safety net or security blanket or a reliable shoulder to lean on.
I thought I was ready to settle down and live a stable, settled life with a
stable job, significant other, and etc, and now... the thought just scares
the crap out of me like it did... a couple years ago?? I don't even
understand it myself... I never expected to feel this way, obviously, otherwise
I wouldn't have hung some of my hopes quite as high as I did before leaving.
All I know right now is that I want to run very, very far away from what was
left back in KL, and any expectations and obligations that will be waiting
for me when I go back there. And just be here, fully immersed in the
present.
Warning: ranty
and totally uninspiring post ahead; don't read if you don't want to be
depressed*
*Note: I know it's my birthday tomorrow and I shouldn't be so depressed but
heck, it's my birthday and I'll say what I want to say. Rawr.*
I don't know why I even try being so positive.
I don't even know why I try denying I mood swings affect me. Maybe they didn't
- once upon a time... but thinking they still don't is kinda like a certain
nation still trying to live in its glory days of being a world empire... once
upon a time.
I mean, yeah I meant it when I said I'm starting to enjoy my independence and
the unpredictability and craziness of student life. But I don't know why I try
soooo hard to disguise how much I dislike Middlesbrough.
I love Teesside Uni, I love the people I've met, don't get me wrong. But I've
tried and tried for the longest time to think of something I actually like
about living in Middlesbrough besides the people that I've met here and still
nada. Zilch. Nothing.
I don't know why I try so hard to pretend I'm indifferent; that I don't care.
That the quiet, lonely, boring and absolutely dreadfully lonely nights don't
get to me. That I actually understand the culture here; cos I don't get it at
all. After five months, I still don't get the absolutely rigid social decorum
and almost a fake kinda politeness in the day and then just getting totally
smashed you don't even remember what you did at night the morning after.
I do frigging care, actually. In fact, I'll use the word HATE, as much as I
*hate* using it. I hate nights in cos there's nothing to do and no one to talk
to (I mean, there are *some* people but who ever wants to bring a conversation
down with depressing talk?). I despise the weather. I despise the fact that
people need to get frigging drunk to have fun. I despise the fact that all my
friends are individuals from different groups; that after five months I still
don't have a group of people to have a good time with. Most of all, I frigging
hate going to sleep without anyone to say 'goodnight' to every night.
I need a hug. One of my friends is right. I've been like so snappy and antsy
lately, and she said to me that I just need the human touch.
She's absolutely right. I'm like really, really, deprived of hugs and human
touch. And no, I don't want pity hugs; I want a hug that's just a hug HUG. Not
a hug because you read this and feel obligated to cheer me up. I can cheer
myself up in good time without sympathy hugs. Sigh.
I don't understand how people can drown their sorrows in drinking or partying.
Because I've tried it, and it doesn't. Friggin. Work.
Oh, I've also realized I'm frigging lousy at doing long-distance friendships,
relationships, or sibling/daughter-ships. Because it's hard to believe there's
actually a real connection when the people are 7000 miles away. I know that in
my head, I have these relationships, but I feel absolutely indifferent and
emotionless about them because... they're 7000 miles away. They might as well
be 7000 galaxies away, sigh.
Wanted: Someone to drive
away on empty highways with to somewhere warm where we can stay out late and
lie under the stars, make wishes upon a few of them while music plays from the
car speakers, and snuggle under a blanket with some hot chocolate with. Here.
Now. In the flesh.
She was
a mystery, even to herself.
She was a drifter, a wanderer, a wonderer - a traveler who travelled for the
sake of the journey rather than for the destination.
In the world she came from, this often meant lonely nights, like this one.
Time had taught her that these deep, haunting pangs of loneliness and longing
came and went in seasons, and she had learned to embrace the uncertainty of
when the next lonely spell would hit.
She learned to let these feelings roll around her, wash over her - drench her
in longing and desire - for she had come to realize that human imagination was
a powerful thing, and the longing for an object of desire was often more pleasurable
than actually obtaining the object itself.
Still, in spite of the delicious seduction of unfulfilled longing, in spite of
the fact that she didn't need a man to fulfill her and give her life meaning,
she was only human, and on most lonely nights, she was just like any
other ordinary lonely girl.
Tonight, was one of those nights.
One of those nights when she'd look up into the sky, an empty, aching heart,
wondering if there was anyone out there who felt the way she was feeling.
Six billion people in the world... surely one of them knew what it was like to
feel lonely?
Surely, surely - there was one person out there who thought the idea of chasing
loneliness away with a one night stand was even lonelier, and sadder, than
actually being alone?
Surely, surely - there was one person out there who wanted to be held as badly
as she did... to just be wrapped up in someone else's arms as the rest of the
world spins madly on?
These were the kinds of questions she thought about on nights like these.
And he, was the kind of person she thought about on nights like these.
**
Think back to some of your fondest
growing up memories, whether as a child or a teenager.
I bet at least one of them involved doing something sneaky and getting away
with it, whether it's something as innocuous as stealing from the cookie jar or
cutting class in high school. Would those incidents have been half as fun if
you had been allowed to freely go ahead and do it? If nobody cared if you had
another cookie or came to school - would that have become such a fond memory
years down the line? (By the way I'm not condoning lying, skipping class, or
similar antisocial behavior. Don't read between non-existent lines. :P)
I was just thinking about it the other day - would it really be that fun having
absolute freedom to do anything in the world I wanted? I mean, if I could snap
my fingers and get anything I wanted, how fun would that be? After getting a
million dollars and spending it, what else would be left to do? There are only
a finite number of five star hotels and exclusive clubs and luxury cars in the
world.
I wonder if it is the limitations that life imposes on us that actually
enhances the enjoyment of what we are able to do. If the things we CAN'T DO
help us enjoy the things we CAN DO. I mean, if I had a car or more money to
spend, I sure as heck wouldn't spend my nights staying in making silly videos
but because of those limitations, I am. And having a lot of fun doing it as
well.
I wonder if I'd be half as driven and motivated in my studies and basically
everything I put my hands to if I had things on a silver platter since young.
If I never had to worry about scholarships and university fees, would I be as
driven to score A's? And yet I have absolutely no regrets knowing that it's
hard work that's got me where I am. The pleasure of that knowledge is something
I would likely have been deprived of had I an easier upbringing.
Growing up, I used to envy friends who were richer, prettier, and so on and so
forth. I've gone from being green-eyed to absolutely NOT being a single bit
jealous, because think of it this way: if you have had everything when you were
young, it's going to be so much harder to maintain that and having anything
less than that is going to be painful, because you're not accustomed to it.
For example, I currently don't have to worry too much about money although I
still have to watch my budget, as I'm on a scholarship. But, I know that if
ever money gets tight, I can survive on little, because I actually have before.
On the other hand, if you're used to lavish spending and one day you have to
tighten your belt, that's going to suck.
Imagine if you've grown up with people showering you with compliments about how
handsome or pretty you are. Or if you were Miss Popular in high school and
suddenly, you move to a new town, a bigger uni, whatever - and suddenly, no one
notices you or cares about your existence. That'd be a major blow to the ego. I
can say this because transitioning from a small Life College to Teesside was
yes, I admit, quite a humbling process. But because I've worked my way up and
struggled to overcome my shyness once (for someone so opinionated on her blog
you'd be surprised how shy I am in person) as a freshman in college, I know I
can again.
But growing up in a world with no limitations and never having to fight to
overcome them... I cannot imagine that. Not only do people who do lack any
fighting spirit whatsoever... they also don't get the pleasure of working
your way around obstacles, finding loopholes, creating a better experience for
yourself with some effort and creativity than what you originally had in
mind.
Absolute freedom is totally overrated. A challenge to overcome instead? Bring it on, baby!
Blursze pens down her thoughts at 7/04/2014 12:11:00 PM
